Bec Petraitis: the 10 funniest things I have ever seen (on the internet)

I am a comedian, Twitch streaming buffoon and getter of a journalism degree. People usually end their bio with a funny third thing but I am here for a serious investigation. When I was asked to write this column, I did the normal amount of research and read every single previous piece in preparation.

And you’d never believe it but a lot of people will use this opportunity to platform fresh comedic talent, some of whom they personally know. It’s like nepotism but for uplifting talented friends who deserve a spotlight. It’s disgusting and biased journalism that only serves a greater good. There will be none of that here today! Not on my watch!

This column contains funny internet things I have no personal connection to. I don’t know any of these people and frankly I don’t want to. Not because they seem bad, I just fear they would not like me and my self-esteem really can’t take that hit right now.

In my stringent and objective research (scrolling all the way back to 2020 on my TikTok likes – help, my retinas are burning) I quality-controlled this list by ensuring that each of these things made me laugh every time I looked at them. If you don’t laugh, I’m sorry but my research says you are wrong! Oh no! That is sad for you! Maybe cry instead? Cry it up, sad sack!

1. Important story

This person has a compelling story and though it is long, I hope you listen. It carries a salient message and they are brave for expressing it. God bless America.

2. The family that labels together, labels together

This perfectly captures the vibe of that time between Christmas and New Year, when you’re staying with family and have lost your mind – but in a fun way! There are also three parts to this because they are good children and just want to help their parents. A heartwarming tale that ends in the label maker company sending them more labels? That’s what the internet is all about, baby.

3. Get it, Fluff!

This video stars Fluff – a person possessing the exact energy in the moment that I wish to have at all times. We have all been Fluff at some point in our lives. We have all misunderstood an instruction to comedic effect. But have we got it like Fluff can get it? I’m not sure anyone ever could but I hope we can all aspire to it.

DJ Mandy is a true artist. A DJ who can create the perfect chaotic track while also being open to “feedback”. The internet is so willing to tell people who are intentionally being funny what the joke is, and DJ Mandy knows how to spin that into engagement and sold out live sets. My feedback is – please tour Australia when you can, DJ Mandy.

Also, I used to live in a building where there were both frequent parties and almost weekly emergency evacuations, so this specific track is very nostalgic for me. The building had flammable cladding too, so if DJ Mandy played on our balcony, we would have had a problem (due to how hot her tracks are).

5. The Iowa state fair husband calling contest 2021

I love the Iowa state fair. Any event that’s been annually carving a cow out of butter since 1911 is alright by me. And though the husband calling contest as a concept has much to analyse and critique through a feminist lens, it is also people yelling names real loud. And that is funny. First prize takes out $5, a ribbon and my respect.

Spoilers – the 2021 winner was Camellia Pohl, a first time entrant in the competition whose husband is presumably called “RrrrrrrRrrrRrrrrRandy”! But a big shout-out to the straw hat-wearing wife in the video, Bonnie Swalwell Eilert. She is an award-winning legend of the game and has competed at the contest for over 40 years. Even though Bonnie is calling Roy, she also calls for me. I will ride with her into battle whenever she calls, no question. And I will definitely hear her.

6. Watch A Woman Tell Her Husband She’s Pregnant While Conan O’Brien Pours Good Milk Down The Sink

Does what it says on the tin.

7. Tommy Shriggly’s investment advice

I adore Dropout, the comedy streaming platform this clip comes from. And to fully explain Tommy Shriggly would be to take away the opportunity of you discovering this episode of Very Important People, an improv interview show hosted by the very funny and good Vic Michaelis.

What you do need to know is that even though they say Tommy Shriggly is a character played by the very funny and good Zac Oyama, to me Tommy Shriggly is real. And I live by Tommy Shriggly’s way of life every day. I am very poor now but I do have great pants.

8. Montessori Boy

I watched this TikTok on the tram. I think people judged me for it. And they are wrong. This sketch is perfect, love is beautiful and it made me think about my lack of core strength.

Also everything Montessori Boy makes is so good. It’s a safe option to show any of their sketches in a situation where people are also sharing funny videos. Because god forbid you hold your phone up to your friend and say “look at this funny video” as their impassive expression never even hints at a smile; your faith in your ability to determine what is and isn’t funny shaken to its core, and you wish for your phone to ignite like those Samsung ones did in 2016 just to get out of the hell you hath wrought.

So yeah, that won’t happen if you show this and that’s ideal.

I know I said I wouldn’t post any content I have a personal connection with and, full disclosure, this is me. But I guess putting this here raises a bigger question – can we ever truly know ourselves? While you’re distracted by that, this is a clip featuring cool/funny girl Naomi Higgins from a show I occasionally make called Comedians Cut My Hair. Like most shows, the release schedule is very dependent on hair growth. Also I just think there’s an outfit change smash cut in this that everyone can enjoy.

10. Phone answering machine sings rousing happy birthday

Most of my algorithm is funny in a way that I don’t think travels well – a jumpcut compilation of an electrical box to AC/DC may not be funny to you but it also may not be funny at all. Something has happened to me where inexplicable videos mashed with nightmare audio makes me laugh more than most actually well-crafted comedy. This video could have been a link to Laura Davis’ superb new special that just dropped on YouTube but instead it is this.

This video is probably one of the less intense, funny, nightmare videos. Or maybe it isn’t. Happy birthday.