LIKE THE CORNER OF MY MIND
As another European Championship draws to a close, Euro 2024 Daily feels it only right to look back on the fond memories that will warm the c0ckles for years to come because we will want to soon forget about Spain giving England a shoeing on Sunday.
Dutch dancing: Our grooving days ended with the cossack but even we have been inspired to get our bright orange disco boots back on by the Netherlands. It’s no Will Griggs’s on Fire but Links Rechts by Snollebollekes has become the sound of the streets in Germany. When the orange army arrived in any city, a party followed thanks to the simple words of “left”, “right” and “jump”. Seeing a wave of tens of thousands (of all ages) hop side to side in unison is quite impressive. A nice reminder that fandom is about enjoyment and not chucking chairs at one another.
Coming home too soon: The Dutch are not the only ones to light up the tournament with a jig. John McGinn landed in Bavaria, popped on a Tyrolean hat and did his best Schuhplattler in front of teammates and confused locals. This was the musical high point for Scotland who left their hotel in Curb Your Enthusiasm style after a last-minute elimination by Hungary, the local oompah band playing them out with some jaunty tunes as discontented members of the squad walked towards the team bus dreaming of Dubai.
Flying booze: Why is everyone so desperate to throw Tin when a goal is scored? Surely the natural decision is to celebrate by having a sip of liquid nectar rather than dousing it on a seven-year-old who has been taken out of school to see a 1-1 draw in depressing circumstances. Not only that, the empty plastic glasses have also rained down on corner takers and even poor old Gareth Southgate, who had the gall to not win every match en route to the final.
Zug bungling: The myth of German efficiency has been busted. Naturally, we are far too lazy to ever travel for a sporting event, instead shouting mirth and insults at the television. Thankfully some of our more esteemed and competent colleagues have been sent to Germany to watch the football in a serious manner. In addition to talking about formations and VAR, they have spent a lot of time on an utterly dreadful public transport system. The amount of Social Media Disgrace photos from upset journalists on stationary trains or overcrowded platforms has been a nice reminder that staying at home is best and that the Germans have managed to rival Avanti in terms of dreadful service.
Rain: Holding a tournament in summer generally means the need for drinks breaks in each half because it is so ruddy hot. The commentator will make the obligatory note that “it’s 47 degrees pitchside, how will this affect the players?” Instead Germany – and the climate crisis – has provided us with a collection of lightning strikes, storms and a poorly constructed roof in Dortmund. The players having to come off during Denmark v Germany was a low point for late-June, but it left us with the image of soaked fans dancing under a waterfall. It was such a lark that no one bothered fixing it before the semi-finals, allowing for more Gene Kelly escapades.
The grass isn’t greener: The weather could be blamed for causing some of the issues on various pitches used but cannot be held solely accountable for making Hackney Marshes look like a bowling green. Most games involved a camera zooming in on a divot brought around by a sliding tackle and players slipping over because the turf had given way. Uefa was forced into releasing statements about needing to learn how to grow grass better and putting a performance plan in place. Centre-backs were turned into groundsmen, repeatedly having to replace lost turf more than Maurice Flitcroft.
Man in the mask: As every good comic reader knows, wearing a mask is great, giving the person behind it special powers. Kylian Mbappé, however, was seemingly turned into Fallout Boy as he failed to put fear into full-backs, his teammates finding out the goggles do nothing. Considering this was supposed to be the tournament where he single-handedly exterminated all opponents – although, to be fair, he did his bit with that business back home in France – Mbappé never looked comfortable as the man in the mask, departing with just a penalty against Poland and later being outdone by those pesky kids – and Jesús Navas – of Spain in the semi-final.
Feeling old: You will not have heard much about this, but Lamine Yamal has been 16 years old throughout the tournament, turning 17 on Saturday. No one really wants to hear about a teenager who is achieving great things and is already secure for life. It does nothing for the morale of – for example – writers in their living room who are debating when it is socially acceptable to open the first bottle of wine later. Noon is fine, right? Lamine Yamal has the youthful exuberance and confidence of a person not weighed down by a mortgage and nursery fees, all he has to worry about is getting past Kieran Trippier on Sunday and pinging a few more into the top corner. What a nice life it must be for the lad once bathed by Lionel Messi.
Weeping Ronny: Speaking of seniors feeling bad … Who can forget Cristiano Ronaldo sobbing because he couldn’t score an ickle penalty against one of the best goalkeepers in the world? Boy how he weeped when Portugal went on to be eliminated in a shootout by France after his 37,392 failed shots in the match. Ronaldo should not worry too much, though, because he will be back to do it all again in four, eight and 12 years’ time.
Sad signs: “Fondue better than goulash”, “kielbasa better than gouda”, “schnitzel better than baguette” and “bryndzové halušky is superior to fish and chips”. These are just some of the hilarious examples of witty signs from fans to show their patriotic culinary views. Oh how they split our sides. We will give Portugal a pass, mind.
And shamelessness: Don’t forget these inspirational words from World Cup winner Geoff Hurst during a chat on Sky Sports News: “I think one of the great things about supporting England is you can support England from all over the country. Not just at the games, but in pubs and bars. Just enjoying a nice glass of Budweiser.”
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“People used to be ashamed of saying they are from here. This is a very humble neighbourhood where people make €1,000 a month. Now people that are not even from Rocafonda or Mataró, say: I am from 304!” – local resident Sufian explains the pride brought to his area in the Barcelona suburb – postal code 08304 – where Lamine Yamal grew up.
EURO 2024 DAILY LETTERS
Rollover.