“Life would be easier with a partner.”
“Are you even doing anything to meet someone?”
“When are you going to find the right person and settle down?”
These are some of the unsolicited comments Jeska Dee has received over the years.
The 41-year-old from Melbourne is “a solo mum” by choice.
(Supplied: Jeska Dee)
“I decided to become a solo mum because, unlike marriage, being a mum is something that I always knew I wanted,” Jeska told the ABC.
After experiencing multiple unhealthy relationships, Jeska says she began to consider her options because her “biological clock was ticking”.
“While I knew I wanted a relationship that could happen at any point in my life, there was only a limited time for me to become a mum,” she says.
Jeska says she is fortunate to have a friend who offered to be a donor, and “even more fortunate” to be able to conceive.
She acknowledges it can feel incredibly hard at times doing it on her own, but she wouldn’t change anything.
“I feel like it’s easier in a way, as I don’t have to navigate a relationship and negotiate all decisions in relation to my daughter,” Jeska says.
“It’s just her and I, and we’ve got this.”
Marriage built around ‘patriarchal system’
The number of marriages registered in Australia each year has been declining since the early 1970s, according to the Australian Institute of Family Studies (AIFS).
The pandemic played a role in this more recently, with lockdowns and restrictions during 2020-2021 leading to wedding cancellations.
Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) data revealed in 2020, there were only 78,989 registered marriages — a 30 per cent decline from 2019.
While 127,161 marriages were registered in 2022, this was still lower than pre-pandemic years.
The AIFS says the declining trend over the last half-century has been influenced by a range of demographic and social changes such as:
- More time spent pursuing education beyond year 12
- Increased labour force participation of women, especially mothers
- The availability of the pill, which enabled a disconnection between marriage and child-bearing
- Rise in de facto relationships and a change in attitudes towards marriage
For as long as Jeska can remember, she never wanted to get married.
“The roots of marriage were built around such a patriarchal system that just isn’t right for me,” she says.
“I feel that as a society, we put so much pressure on people to marry someone. It feels like it’s a necessary thing to do to be accepted into society.”
Jeska adds she doesn’t need a partner to feel fulfilled.
“So many people can’t seem to comprehend that living life without a partner can be just as valuable and rewarding as life with someone,” she says.
‘There’s not a lot in it for me’
It’s a sentiment echoed by Paul Wyborn, a 52-year-old gay man from Melbourne who wants to stay single.
Growing up in New Zealand, he says he witnessed “incredible social pressure” to get married.
“It’s a very family-centric country. And if you’re not married, particularly if you’re a woman, you’re made to feel like there’s something wrong with you.”
Over the years, Paul’s parents questioned his relationship status, asking him if he would ever change his mind about marriage.
“I know they just want me to be happy,” says Paul.
“But it just proves that there’s this view in society that if I don’t have a partner, then I’m unhappy.”
For Paul, who migrated to Australia 12 years ago, marriage wasn’t even an option for him for most of his life.
New Zealand legalised same-sex marriage in 2014 and Australia followed in 2017.
But changes to the law didn’t change how Paul felt about marriage.
“Even though marriage is an option for me now, I still don’t really see a need for it. There’s not a lot in it for me,” he says.
Despite not being interested in marriage, Paul says he is “an ally, who wholly supports marriage equality”.
“I would say I’m pro-choice, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I, myself, want to get married.”
‘Energy-consuming and anxiety-inducing’
Outside of Australia, some countries across Asia are experiencing even more significant declines in marriage rates.
Last year in China, 6.8 million marriages were registered across the country — 800,000 fewer than in 2021 and the lowest since the government began publishing the data in 1986.
Surveys show that many younger Chinese are discouraged by bleak job prospects, the high cost of living and corporate cultures not being compatible with two working parents.
Chinese Australian Muqing Li attests to this.
The 26-year-old is a medicine student from Perth and is single.
She says her decision to not get married was “formed very early on in life” after her mum went through two marriages.
“The first was filled with abuse and violence,” she told the ABC.
“The second was with someone from a completely different social and cultural background, yet still characterised by gaslighting, emotional abuse, and estrangement.”
Muqing says both experiences made her “sceptical of the concept of marriage from a young age”.
She says she is also not interested in the marriage “checklist”.
“Buying a house, having shared properties and bank accounts and having kids — I find all of this uninteresting, energy-consuming and anxiety-inducing.”
Instead, Muqing prefers “a simple life”.
“I also enjoy being on my own. I like the freedom of being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, without having to factor in other people except for friends,” she says.
Most people Muqing has met understand her unwillingness to get married.
“Some of them may be in long-term, committed relationships but choose not to get married themselves,” she says.
That being said, Muqing acknowledges she could change her mind about marriage in the future.
“I cannot guarantee it will not change in the future as I gain more life experiences and meet more people.”