by Trey Nosrac
BLACK SCREEN TO IRIS FADE IN.
INTERIOR:
EVENING:
A low-rent tavern. Yellowish lighting. Sparsely populated. Two 60-ish males sit on adjoining bar stools facing the mirror behind the colorful liquor bottles on the shelves. The camera is on the backs of two unnamed men and will remain the primary shot for the entire scene. Although we do not directly see their faces, we see them over their shoulders, reflected in the mirror behind the rows of liquor bottles, and we toggle back and forth to their faces as they speak.
One man is short and stocky with a fringe of greying hair around a shiny dome. He is wearing a bright blue Hawaiian shirt with green palm leaves. The other man is wearing a tan khaki sportscoat, glasses with heavy black frames, and speaks in a high-pitched voice. The two men barely move during this scene. The background for their conversation consists of traditional bar sounds, voices murmuring, and clinking glasses.
TAN JACKET MAN
How long have you been playing the ponies?
BLUE SHIRT MAN
I never played a single pony. I gamble on racehorses, harness racehorses, to be specific, trotting horses, to be more exact.
TAN MAN
How long, 25 years?
BLUE MAN
Thirty, maybe 40.
TAN MAN
Only harness horses?
BLUE MAN
I’m a purist.
TAN MAN
How many of those years did you turn a profit?
BLUE MAN
Approximately?
TAN MAN
Yeah.
BLUE MAN
Zero.
TAN MAN
Do you keep statistics, you know, data, on your losing?
BLUE MAN
I do. The math is easy: I wager exactly a hundred a week and keep it separate from stupid stuff like gas, food, alimony, and living expenses. I take a week off for Christmas and my annual Vegas trip.
TAN MAN
So, five grand a year. Are you improving? By that, I mean, are you losing less?
BLUE MAN
Nope. I get worse each year.
TAN MAN
So, you are getting stupider.
BLUE MAN
(Pause)
No, but my competition is getting smarter.
TAN MAN
Computers? Algorithms? Artificial Intelligence, Rebates?
BLUE MAN
Yeah, rebates don’t help us traditional reprobates. Regular mooks like me are skiing uphill.
TAN MAN
So why keep betting?
BLUE MAN
My luck might change. If it does, I don’t want to miss it. You know the old saying, you can’t win if you don’t play.
TAN MAN
Don’t you think you have a gambling problem?
BLUE MAN
No, I have a winning problem.
TAN MAN
Or a losing problem.
BLUE MAN
PoTAtoes, PoTAHtoes.
TAN MAN
(Chuckles)
Remember the time I went to the track with you? You bet several ways on every race and didn’t win anything, which I found strangely impressive.
BLUE MAN
Thanks, I put a lot of work into my handicapping, and nobody notices.
TAN MAN
You should place a bet on every horse racing in the first race to win, to get the feel of winning.
BLUE MAN
I’ll put that in my book of handicapping tips. The working title is, Life in the Eight Hole.
TAN MAN
Do you ever think you might be a 60-year-old dinosaur?
BLUE MAN
Maybe you should refer to me as a handicappasourus.
TAN MAN
Perhaps you shouldn’t make light of your expensive affliction.
BLUE MAN
Ease up, pal. I got everything under control. I’m not some Damon Runyan character.
TAN MAN
Who the hell is Damon Runyon?
BLUE MAN
A depression-era New York newspaperman, he was a horse racing guy, very sarcastic.
TAN MAN
(Pulls out his cell phone and thumbs)
His first name is D A M O N. What kind of name is that? He wrote this sentence, ‘Life is tough, and it’s really tough when you’re stupid.’
BLUE MAN
Are you mocking my hobby?
TAN MAN
No, I’m just gathering information.
(Still reading phone)
Here are some words to live by: The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that’s the way to bet.
BLUE MAN
I’ll keep that in mind.
TAN MAN
(Still reading phone)
Here’s another one: I came to the conclusion a long time ago that all life is six to five against.
BLUE MAN
Put your freaking phone down (drops his voice and growls theatrically), one more wisecrack outta you, and you’ll find I’m packing heat.
TAN MAN
(Smiles, shakes his head and sips his beer)
What if I give you a plan for thwarting artificial intelligence and leveling the gambling field in horse racing?
BLUE MAN
Thwarting! Now that’s a word you don’t hear much in conversation.
TAN MAN
I could have used the word foiling.
BLUE MAN
Thwarting, foiling, I’m all ears; is it legal?
TAN MAN
Yep, I have a foolproof plan to improve your handicapping radically.
BLUE MAN
(Using his fingers, he gives an excited drum roll on the wooden bar top)
No kidding. Well, I’m your fool.
They clink beer glasses.
FADE TO BLACK WITH IRIS CUT