The trouble with weekends without any high-level local rugby to watch is that you can be easily lured down rabbit holes that are sometimes better left alone.
For example, some rugby fans at a loose end might have found themselves drawn into Friday’s US presidential debate, where the leader and ex-leader of the free world reassured us that we can all go about our daily business knowing things are in safe hands.
Post-debate coverage was overwhelmingly negative, but I’m not so sure; as a golfer I have the utmost respect for any man prepared to stand up in front of millions of people and back their swing over another man’s. Sure, Bryson DeChambeau and Scottie Scheffler might have them covered for distance off the tee, but neither can spin it like Donald Trump and Joe Biden.
There was plenty for both sides to take away. Fans of Trump got to see their man unshackled and in civvies, and to choose between any number of his rapid-fire statements and claims just knowing they were all true.
On the other side, it was insightful to hear Biden explain how Medicare was being raped by its brothers and sisters and then… excuse me, um… COVID, and… isn’t it disgraceful what they did to the Melbourne Rebels?
And what a nice touch it was from Jill Biden to triumphantly stand by her man afterwards, wipe the dribble from Joe’s mouth, check to see if he needed to use the potty, and lead him to his room to prepare a press release confirming that it’s full steam ahead to the November 5th election.
On the off-chance that the Democrats might need a new candidate, they’d do worse to enlist the man who really can do everything; Antione Dupont. Dupont was at the heart of all that was good about Toulouse, scoring twice as they romped to a 59-3 win against Bordeaux-Begles in the French Top 14 final.
Antoine Dupont was incredible in Toulouse’s huge win over Bordeaux to claim the French Top 14 in Marseille. Photo: Top 14, Twitter
Not that such a comprehensive victory can ever be attributed to one person; Toulouse is a brilliant example of how ‘United Nations’ doesn’t always have to mean posturing and talk-fests, with few genuine outcomes to show for it.
Toulouse is the sum of all of its disparate parts and then plenty. It seems incongruous that Englishman Jack Willis isn’t now on his way to New Zealand to touch up the All Blacks. Scot Blair Kinghorn has added dimensions to his game since arriving in France’s south.
Hearty congratulations are due to Richie Arnold for his imperious lineout work and the role he plays in Toulouse’s success, although it was a far tougher night for his compatriots on the losing side; Adam Coleman, Kane Douglas and Pete Samu.
As an aside, one wonders if the criticism so often directed at Super Rugby for being uncompetitive – notably the disparity between New Zealand and Australian franchises, and this year’s one-sided final – will also be applied to the Top 14? On the evidence so far, it seems not.
Perhaps with France in my subconscious and with a view to next week’s Test between Australia and Wales I stumbled into another rabbit hole; revisiting last year’s World Cup encounter, in Lyon.
You know the one – the match where Wales effectively put an end to the Wallabies’ campaign, winning 40-6 with, as the saying goes, the Wallabies lucky to get 6.
For anyone not dressed in scarlet, brandishing a leek in each front pocket, breathing dragon fire with Tom Jones pumping through the ear buds, this really was a dreadful, miserable night.
To be fair, Wales selected well, played within their strengths, and were more than serviceable. But, even with Top 14-winning Arnold in tow, the Wallabies’ lineout was shambolic, and their attack toothless.
The final act of the match saw winger Suliasi Vunivalu held up over the try-line; emblematic, with Vunivalu now said to be on his way back to league, where he is unquestionably more suited, and Wallabies fans indeed feeling like they’d been held up.
Minutes after the final whistle, navigating the dangerously steep stairs of Stadium Olympique’s upper tier, I stopped by the commentary station of Stan Sport’s Sean Maloney, where the big man was rooted to the spot, struggling to comprehend what had just played out. He was, to use an understatement, doing it tough.
Even in normal circumstances, match commentary is far more difficult than most ‘stay at homes’ can credit. But in the moment, I wanted everyone to understand and spare a thought for a true rugby man forced to, over a period of years, provide a live account of the Wallabies’ performances, many of them losing ones.
Rob Valetini consoles Nick Frost after the Wallabies went down to Wales at the 2023 Rugby World Cup. (Photo by Hannah Peters/Getty Images)
As another saying goes, ‘it’s the hope that kills you’. Blind optimism and overt parochialism that manifests into cheerleading have no place in any credible commentary. But just as the ability to project impartiality is a skill that every commentator must develop, commentators are also required to frame contests in a way that viewers – without them realising – are enticed to invest their own emotion, and to extract maximum enjoyment from the experience.
To give viewers that connection and hope takes some effort and can only be done authentically if the commentator invests their own heart and soul into things, and believes in the product they are peddling.
It’s not even always about winning. Commentators can work with losses if there is a genuine narrative around heroic effort, the brilliance of the opposition, or the force majeure that was Monsieur Raynal’s shell-shock ending to the 2022 Bledisloe Cup match in Melbourne.
But this defeat in Lyon was abject in every sense. Despondent Wallabies fans had not only been sold a pup, they’d paid a fortune to purchase it. For the players, St Etienne had long since moved from amiable little country town, to penitentiary; Rugby Australia’s chairman Hamish McLennan having already begun the post-mortem before the Wales match was played.
For Moloney, and other commentators and media present, not only had the fun gone out of things, the World Cup experience had become crushingly burdensome.
As if the on-field humiliation wasn’t enough, we then had to endure a press conference where the Sydney Morning Herald’s Tom Decent, a veritable one-man pack of Baskerville hounds, snapped away at Eddie Jones over his continued denials that he was in advanced negotiations with Japan over their head coaching position.
Wallabies head coach Eddie Jones speaks to the media during a Rugby Australia press conference at Coogee Oval on October 17, 2023 in Sydney, Australia. (Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images)
Given that Jones had already dubbed his departing Sydney airport doorstop the worst press conference he’d ever experienced, there wasn’t much wriggle room. But this was surely a new low point; Jones continuing to deflect Decent, and deny something that, by now, everyone believed was true.
Visibly incensed, Jones was about to make good on his threat to walk out when, in a dubious act of clemency that confirmed beyond any doubt that I am a writer as opposed to a journalist, I tossed Jones a looping half-volley and got him talking, not about Japan, but players that Australian fans might expect to see improve into the future.
Some of those players will be taking the field on Saturday at Allianz Stadium, in a scenario that – thankfully – feels light years removed from that sad September night in Lyon.
Jones and McLennan have long departed, and there is a definite sense that there are adults back in charge of the room. Coach Joe Schmidt has chosen not to select any player based overseas, so while that means the side that runs out on Saturday will lack experience, there is in the air, that whiff of optimism that comes with every new coach and their first match in charge.
Preparation time has been indecently short, and the Wallabies do not have the benefit of a warm-up match such as Wales did last week, against South Africa. But Schmidt’s style is such that he will have narrowed his objectives and devised a game plan that, even in a fortnight, his side will feel they comprehend.
In short, Maloney, other media and Wallabies fans, will be back for more this weekend because, well… what else is there for a Wallabies fan to do but hope and trust that this iteration really is ‘the one’?
For their part, the travelling Welsh squad is also light for experience, with players familiar to Australian fans like Tomos Williams, Jac Morgan, Taulupe Faletau, Adam Beard, Josh Adams and Gareth Anscombe, all left at home. Having endured a difficult Six Nations tournament, and with Wales not having won in Australia since 1969, coach Warren Gatland clearly his work cut out for him.
World Rugby’s rankings – for what they are worth – currently have Australia ranked No.9 and Wales No.10. While those numbers won’t please fans of either side, they do reflect a closeness that augers well for a competitive and highly interesting series.
With the two men tasked with proving themselves capable of leading the USA continuing to confound and frustrate, we can at least be assured that this series, win, lose, or draw, will feature two competent coaches offering far more for rugby fans than two demented old codgers arguing over their golf swings.