Six years ago, Zoe Strickland’s son, Elliot, 25, took his own life near their home in Cairns and her “universe tilted”.
The very next day – still traumatised and racked by excruciating early grief — she picked up a Sharpie pen and drew a picture.
It would become the first entry in a series of grief diaries – some 25 notebooks’ worth – and the birth of her stick figure character, Doodle Lady.
“I journalled fervently — an outlet for the darkness, to let my pen scream, to hurl poetry at the universe,” Zoe said.
“[Doodle Lady] wasn’t a conscious birthing, she was more an arising from the depths … she who could express my ‘grief self’, so I could carry on being me.”
Zoe wasn’t an artist, nor had she previously kept a diary, but she ended up doodling and journalling every day for about five years.
She described the practice as “natural and instinctive” rather than intentional but found that, coupled with other therapy and self-care, it helped heal the pain of her son’s suicide.
“I wasn’t thinking about it at all, I was just doing it,” she said.
“When I look back, I can see why it helped — the catharsis that happens with writing and staying in the slow lane and really tending to the heart and not trying to fix things in the head.”
The ‘swash and backwash’ of grief
The drawings range from dark and despairing to light and hopeful.
Like grief, their progression isn’t linear.
“That’s how it is, isn’t it? There is some brutally dark stuff in hard grief,” she said.
“It’s interesting that the depths of despair can sit next to pockets of ease and lightness.”
Zoe’s grief — despite ups and downs — eventually softened.
She said it wasn’t just the passage of time but the work she put into her relationship with grief that helped her heal.
“I think if you push it away and you hate it and you’re angry or in denial, it doesn’t make it go away. It just makes it ugly,” she said.
“It’s tending it and befriending it and accepting it.
“It’s allowing yourself to be in the dark, and to feel safe in the dark.”
To Grief With Love
Although Zoe wrote her diary for herself, she was encouraged to share her doodles more widely after posting some on social media.
Later this year she is publishing a compilation of her diary entries titled To Grief With Love.
“The book is an ode to grief, hence the title,” she said.
“I mean, I could have called it ‘Grief, for f***’s sake’ or ‘Grief WTF’, but it’s about love — pouring love into grief and pouring love into oneself.”
She wants the book to offer compassion and hope to others who are bereft.
“I don’t want to depress the bejesus out of people,” she said.
“I hope the end feeling is that it’s about finding one’s way and still finding meaning in life and ultimately joy. That took a long time — joy.
“That said, I wish I hadn’t had to write any of it. I’d have him back in a heartbeat. That goes without saying.”
How art can be medicine
Drawing, painting, or working with other art forms like clay can help people process life events and express things that are “inexpressible through words alone”, says La Trobe University associate professor of art therapy Theresa Van Lith.
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“For as long as humans have been around, when there is despair, suffering, grief, humans turn to creativity,” she said.
Dr Van Lith said art could help people explore their inner world, build resilience, and quieten their mind when thoughts were overwhelming.
She said making art with the guidance of a therapist or in tandem with journalling could enhance its curative properties.
Carrying on with meaning and purpose
Zoe and her husband have since moved from Cairns to the Sunshine Coast to be closer to their other two sons and grandchildren.
She has found comfort in nature and creative pursuits, including retraining as a florist.
Zoe stopped doodling about a year ago.
She said it wasn’t necessarily a conscious decision but maybe her unconscious mind saying, “OK, that’ll do for now.”
When Elliot died, Zoe felt ripped into two — herself and her “grief self”.
“It felt like such an unnatural thing for a mother to lose her child in that way. It was unbearable,” she said.
“Perhaps [my] last doodle was myself and my ‘grief self’ coming together and we move forward together as opposed to being two people.”
‘I just miss him’
The day Doodle Lady was born, Zoe also started a second diary — one to Elliot — which she continues to write in, though not every day.
She kept the darkness out of this diary, instead writing to tell him she loves him, share family news, thoughts, and dreams about him.
“I wrote to Elliot a lot … it felt immensely comforting to keep writing to him,” she said.
The eldest of three boys, Elliot was studying electrical engineering.
“He was just a very kind person. Funny — he had a great sense of humour, a bit left field. He was a smarty pants — very intellectual,” Zoe said.
“He was into making a difference to the planet and to humans … he was a lovely, lovely soul.”
Zoe said she had to learn not to go down the rabbit holes of guilt and trying to understand why Elliot had ended his life.
“Although grief is never finished, I look back and I think I’ve travelled quite a long, long way,” she said.
“It’s present in my head and my heart, but it doesn’t sink me — usually … I just miss him.”